Hog Heaven

A man called one of our local churches and said he would like talk to the “Hog Head” of the church.

The secretary responded, “If you mean the pastor, be respectful and call him Pastor, but he is not in right now. Can I help you?”

The man told her he was going to tell him he was about to give him a check for $10,000 for the building fund.

The secretary said immediately, “Wait a minute, Old Porkie just walked in.”

Can You Bear This?

A guy is hiking in the woods one day when a bear chases him up a really tall tree. The bear started to climb the tree, so the guy climbed up higher. Then, the bear climbed down and went away. So the guy starts to climb down the tree. Suddenly, the bear returns, and this time he’s brought an even bigger bear with him. The two bears climb up the tree, the bigger bear going higher than the first. But the guy climbed even higher still, so the bears couldn’t reach him. Eventually, the bears went away. Naturally quite relieved, the guy starts down the tree again. Suddenly, the two bears return. But this time the guy knew he was in big trouble. Each bear was carrying a beaver.

The Cocoon

One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress. It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further. So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily. But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings.

The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to support the body, which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly.

What the man in his kindness and haste did not understand was the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butter fly to get through the tiny opening were God’s way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon.

Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles, it would cripple us. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. We could never fly. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.” (James 1:2-3)

Questions About Life

Why do drug stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a “diet” coke?

Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

A Lesson In Irony

The Food Stamp Program, administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the U.S. Department of the Interior, asks us to “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.” Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today’s lesson.

Bad Habit

Most of us have a bad habit we are trying to break. For a friend of mine, it was biting her fingernails. One day she told her husband about her latest solution: press-on nails. “Great idea, honey,” he smiled. “Now, you can eat them straight out of the box.”

The Drifter

A drifter, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood in Buffalo. Anyway, He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for him to do.

“Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?”

The drifter said, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told him that the paint and ladders that he might need were in the garage.

The man’s wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, “Does he realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?”

The man replied, “He should. He was standing on the porch.”

A short time later, the drifter came to the door to collect his money.

“You’re finished already?” the homeowner asked.

“Yes,” the man answered, “and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

“And by the way,” the drifter added, “that’s not a Porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Birthdays

Celebrating birthdays this week are Lynn Sullivan on Thursday, July 19; Jill Brooks on Friday, July 20; Donald Lawson and Philip Poole on Monday, July 23; Carl Culpepper on Tuesday, July 24; Phyllis Haney and Matthew Scott Murphy on Wednesday, July 25.

Since you are God’s Masterpiece and a one-of-a-kind, may this be the very best birthday yet. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Happy Anniversary To

Marvin and Juanita McCullough who are celebrating their wedding anniversary on Monday, July 23. This is a very special celebration for a very special couple. If you know this couple, I hope you will call them and wish them a very HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

My Thoughts

Help! I am a prisoner in my own home. And the jailer is Mother Nature. It is so hot and so humid outside that when I step outside, the heat takes my breath and the humidity does a number on the arthritis in my knees. So I stay indoors enjoying the air conditioning and watch television between naps. Even with it all I am blessed!

There are people in our county that are not blessed as I am. They do not have air conditioning. Many do not even have a fan. So when they stay indoors, they probably can imagine what hell feels like because it is that hot inside the house/apartment.

Do you know anyone in this kind of situation? Maybe a neighbor or a friend or a relative or even a stranger? If so, let’s not neglect the instructions from our Savior and our Father: “As we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” (Galatians 6:10)

Let us go one step further. If we see a stranger in need, let’s take the opportunity to do good in the name of our Lord Jesus.

Assumptions…

Assumptions can be very dangerous. Here is an example of a person making an assumption that really backfires!!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight. He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger. He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, “Let’s go.”

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off. Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, “Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.”

“Why?” asked the pilot. “Because I’m a photographer for CNN,” he responded, “and I need to get some close up shots.”

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, “So, what you’re telling me, is … you’re NOT my flight instructor?”

ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME!

Thought of the Week

“Just going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.”

If You Have Good News

When you see, hear, or make news, hear good, funny, and clean jokes, please email your news and jokes to me at cap9296@aol.com, call me at 864-441-2371, mail your news to me at POB 128, Buffalo, or stop me on the street. When you celebrate good things in your life, I would like to share that with the good people of Buffalo. You want to laugh. I want to laugh. So please make me laugh.

Until next week, may God bless you richly.